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Teenage · angst · has · paid · off · well.

Now I'm bored and old.

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I officially have a spending problem. Conveniently i got side-swiped in the King of Prussia mall parking lot yesterday (where i was not supposed to be), and have been removed from my father's monetary good graces. Aside from tuition and books i am totally screwed. YES. Thank god for the fact that i have actually 750$ in the bank. YEADUDE, I'M FUUUCKED. YEAAAA! YEAYEAYEAYEA.

Shitshitshitshitshitshit. Thank shit for the fact that my hair, tattoos and full-time student status make me totally appealing for jobs. BRB, killing myself real quick.

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Things haven't really gotten worse since June, or maybe they have and i just haven't noticed. I officially have two working days left of Sheetz and that's that. The Snoop Dogg& Slightly Stoopid concert i bought tickets to IN JUNE is friday. I can't go, despite the fact that i am a nineteen year old capable of making my own decisions, because my life is fucking retarded and so is my Dad. And because the fact that i was supposed to drive down to Philly with my friend Corey, who is *GASP* a male means naturally that it's a date and i will have to return the favour by having him sleep at my house (even though his sister that also goes to Temple has a house ...) and sex him all night long. Because i'm a slutty std-ridden whore.

Although it's an odd accusation coming from my Father because Corey's 20 and according to my dad i much prefer to sex FIFTEEN YEAR OLD BOYS?!? Yes, a vast majority of my friends(DJ, Joe, Randy, Aaron, Dirty, Branden etc) here were fifteen WHEN I MET THEM two or three years ago. HOWEVER, SURPRISINGLY THEY HAVE AGED ACCORDING TO THE PASSAGE OF TIME LIKE EVERY ONE ELSE ON EARTH.

My money spending has gotten worse. I think i may have spent more money than i made this summer, and that's really sad. Including $240 on a blackberry i bought myself for my birthday that died TWO WEEKS LATER. Fuck my life. Fuck it so good. Worst habit to pick up on EVER. Fuck you, internet shopping.

I was hanging out with Aj for awhile(him and his bitch broke up) but he recently got a new position at work and has been working his ass off. I haven't seen him in two weeks and it really sucks. It just sucks things ended up the way they did. I think we could of had a good relationship. But, then again, what the fuck do i know. Maybe i haven't seen him in two weeks because i go back to school soon and he just doesn't care enough to put any effort in. Maybe that's my problem, i cost too much effort.

I feel like that's just my genetic insanity speaking, and half of the reason that i am so fucked up like i am. Like i know that Aj legitimately likes me for who i am, but then i always will stop and wonder if maybe it's just my looks? (That's the only part i am sure of, he's made that much clear haha) But then there's always that "then again..." in the back of my mind and i don't know if i should embrace it or banish it. Is it instincts or is it a crippling, warped mental state? Who fucking knows dude. THANKS PARENTS, for being fucking lunatics and passing it on to me.
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I decided i'm going to start writing in here more often because i have fucking issues with expressing my emotions. Hopefully it will help me not blow up at home where i am headed saturday morning. Maybe i will even learn to not punch things when i'm angry. Maybe!

Also, i'm just gonna come out and fucking say it: i have dermatillomania. Essentially "pick at your skin insanity". Basically a form of ocd& self-mutilation. COOLBRAAHH.

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So i got shitshow at the last Hot Truck party and told this kid i'm infatuated with that i was. And then i ran away. BECAUSE I'M AWESOME. I'm such a fucking idiot haha. I also danced a lot, but that's another story. Tara's not moving in, Kayleigh is and that sucks. Except Tara's moving in with Justin, and that will be hilarious. I'll just be there all the time.

Three finals down, three to go. I got a 63 on my precalculus final, had a 5 minute mental breakdown about being a science major and dropping out, and then calculated my final grade for the class which ended up being 91. Suck titties precalculus!

This year i found/learned part(the other part is my own stupidity, i guess) of my demented-ness is a psychological disorder, YEA DUDE! I remember when it was cool to have a personality disorder in middle school. Everyone was bi-polar, borderline or manic depressive. Be careful what you wish for? And no, i'm not medicated for it.

The other day i was walking around campus really terrified of seeing BTerry(subject of my drunken confession) and looking around frantically for escape roots, when i realised it doesn't matter. Who gives a fuck? What, he'll see me and be like 'oh, that crazy girl thinks i'm cute.' SO WHAT? NOT GONNA KILL ME. My anxiety is completely all me. I stopped hating myself (majorly) in high school by lying and saying i loved myself. And now, i don't give a fuck what people think of me. I don't want anxiety. Do. Not. Want. I don't give a fuck! "I don't give a damn cos i am what i am, even when it's really really bad!" That's my new steez.

Oh, and i got my tattoos! But i have no pictures as of right now. But i will. Eventually. Yeaaaa. I also have a horrible new habit of saying steez, jawn and 'YEA DUDE.' Thanks Philly. Stay classy! This fucking city, mang. Two months in Bethlehem's gonna kill me. Miss this bitch already and i haven't even bounced yet!
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I've decided i'm just going to be friends with everyone. People that come off too strong or just creep me out are probably just as awkward as i am. Reverse creeping! I found a bunch of weirdos from campus that have scared me at one point or another on face book and added them.

People always think i'm really mean and bitchy, but i'm really just scared of everything. I probably do that to other people. 'Sfucked up.

Mary went home. This weekend will be weird i bet. FIVE MIDTERMS THIS WEEK. Three down, two to go. I am scared of my money one today, and chem tomorrow. I'm kind of going crazy. Show saturday! I'm gonna get wasted and punch someone in the face.

There is this one skater that i am completely crushing on and so, of course, the day i finally meet him he broke his foot so he never comes around the skate spot any more. :( Waaaaaaaahmbulance. Hate my life lololololol.

Everything is pissing me off, and i want to fight someone. UUGH. Losing my mind! More!
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Shit with K blew up in my face, as always, but it's ok it was a fucking learning experience amirite? That was awhile ago and i'm over it. I mean i lost my virginity like a week before i turned seventeen, and i can still count the number of guys i've had sex with on one hand. That's fine by me. Honestly i think it only happened because before that Bazook had been almost a year before that, and that's kind of a long time.

Speak of the fucking devil, it's my spring break this week and i hung out with BJ almost every fucking day. WHATTHEFUCK? I basically had a miniature heart attack all the time every fucking time, of course. On the plus side, i'm not sure what it is, (i think partially because i'm more out-going/less anxious/less totally petrified and partially because my little Josepi's becoming a real man-boy) but we have a much easier time talking to each other now. I think it also might have to do with him getting shit wrecked the first night and actin'afool so now were basically even in the 'get drunk and embarrass the hell out of yourself' arena.

I think he's officially on the level where i could not see him for another 6 months straight, then see him, and be completely 100% infatuated within the first minute of seeing him. But it's kind of cute because for the most part it's mutual. This week was full of awkward glances, unnecessary touching and sexual tension and i loved every fucking minute of it. Even though it drove me in-fucking-sane at the same time. I don't think i've ever been that sexually attracted to anyone while sober ever before. Except for maybe Aarono. I've been secretly obsessing all week which probably led to my spewing it all out here.

I also hung out with Krispy and it was kind of weird. I felt like we didn't really have anything to talk about. It was so odd, we literally talked about nothing the entire day. We have absolutely nothing in common anymore. But i mean, it can't be just that can it? I mean, how much do i have in common with a group of 16 and 17 year old high school boys? I've known her since the seventh grade and with them i'm just now reaching the one year mark, wtf? I got to hang out with Randy, but he didn't really talk too much because that was with Krispy. I also got to see Meg for like an hour and a half which was no where near enough time. I love her passionately and miss the shit out of that girl.

I had a date with Chris monday night and he blew me off pretty much. A week or two ago he spent the night at my house with his friend. Last week i ended up drunkenly spilling out that i'd had a crush on him since we were freshman. He said, "Really?! I did too but i was too afraid to tell you!" This week, he's back with his obsessive, controlling girlfriend that told me she'd was going to kill me because i left him a fucking comment saying i wanted to see him back over winter break. Fucking right. Whatever, i never need to speak to him again and that was the night i ended up going to Joe's which was 32096i4y50e9u8y6p043w592-5xtimes greater than whatever i would have done with him. (/not bitter at all).
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Today i found out that Devon& Donna bought me a collaborative gift, which is sweet, but now i have to get something for both of them - what the fuck. Yesterday i was at the mall with Arianna and i saw Joe& Tim and my heart fucking stopped. Joe& i made awkward eye contact and he walked away and then i almost threw up. I saw him today, no vomit involved, and i was even going to say hi but did not get a chance.

I hate winter, ice and i want to go back to philly. But i saw Mr Jones today and he is my best friend. <3 I misseeeeeeeeeed him. And Mr Dunton made me hug him and he was all sweaty, weird. Also it was fairly creepy walking thru the halls when the bells rang. Oh, high school, you piece of shit.

Plus, i burned my forehead straightening my hair wtf. First day back at Sheetz tomorrow. DDD: Fuck me sideways.

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Ok, so wedesday i wake up for english, walk in to the bathroom and fucking faint and wake up on the floor an hour or so later. Since then i've been disgustingly sick. As in i've never been so miserable in my entire life, hell here, sick. I was at the doctors for four hours today.

I HAVE PNEUMONIA. In my left lung. I don't understand, my left side has always been good to me. I don't even know any one that is sick!!! And on thursday the stupid fucking temple "health center" lady was all 'ITS PROBABLY THE FLU WE CANT DO ANYTHING HERE HAVE OBSCENE AMOUNTS OF IBPROFEN.'

Also it was awesome because all of my roomates went home and mary stayed at eddie's so she wouldn't get sick so i was by myself all weekend. I goddamn ate fucking nothing but ritz crackers for TWO days because when i went to get the stupid crackers friday i fucking blacked out in rite aide and was too scared to go back out.

On the plus side the medicine is helping and i smiled tonight for the first time in about a week. Mostly because of the Beastie Boys Brass Monkey and The Soggy Bottom Boys Man of Constant Sorrow. Even though George Clooney doesn't sing it i like to pretend he does! Swoon.

On the other plus side i downloaded Kid Rock's Rock N Roll Jesus and it's as hilarious as i expected. PLUS PLUS PLUS. I don't have to live in the dorms next semester!!! Me, Mary and our friend Kimmy are a week away from having our own house :DDDDD AHHHHHHHHHHHH.

And this is our house's theme song: (also what i would show people if they asked me to explain college at temple university)

If you've never watched anything i've ever put on here, you should watch this. It will change your life.
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I love how whatever i do, where ever i go there's always one bitch that every guy i like/date has already dated/fucked/liked whatever. LOVE IT. Especially when she is TWENTY TWO and GORGEOUS. FUCKING AWESOME. CLEARLY, I CAN TOTALLY COMPETE! She hooked up with Bazook which creeps me out because she is SIX years older than him!? I thought my one/two years older than him was awkward! What the fuck?!

I have a giant crush on Eddie. Which Mary totally loves, haha not. I'm pretty sure she told him which is fantastic. But he doesn't really seem to mind, probably because he is used to every single one of her friends being in love with him. And then we drink with him and i just make an idiot of myself. Not even like acting like a crazy drunk bitch or anything, i just say really air-headed things. Looove it!

Example: we went to Jimmy's birthday and i had my own six pack of PBR and i drank it all in two hours, and i really just don't need that much. So Joe shows up with Tim and people and i panic and start hiding in places like up stairs and the bathroom. And eventually i'm just like "fuck this, more beeeer!" and i start ripping up the little six pack plastic things in the kitchen because i'm drunk and really concerned for sea life. And this cutie's talking to me about animal's rights and blahblah and he's asks if i'm vegetarian. What do i say? "No that shit's too hard man! I mean i don't red meat but fuck it you can't save the whole world! i eat chicken and turkey but, fuck, they're ugly bastards!!! I don't even care!"

Really, could i get any cuter? Really? Jesus Christ. Also i may have texted Joe along the lines of "im drunk and you suck!" and then i was like "i dont even know why i care you make me sad im deletin your # k bye" and i did. Crazy much? What is wrong with me?! Hahaha, its pretty funny now though. I won't even lie.

Saw Municipal Waste at JC Dobbs and it was glorious. I haven't been in a pitt in so long. And all the beautiful boys were with girls and i pussied out of talking to any of them; story of my life.

Best part of my week: http://www.sexinchrist.com/index.html ANAL SEX AND GOD'S WILL = YES

Mary had just thrown up walking the whole like 5 blocks to the subway and i was crying about Joe because i'm not well in the head.

Last night of summer, last night of being a high school kid, and the last night of drinking whiskey ever and bicycle DUIs. Not OK.

We are so fine. I love my hair.
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according to the compare your friends things on face book:

most fashionable
most generous
person who can drink the most

best companion on a desert island
most attractive

i'm ugly and no one wants to spend a lot of time with me but they like the way i dress, i'm nice and i can drink a lot. that's really great. thank you, internet. no wonder i have such great self-esteem. no fucking wonder i can drink so much! jesus.

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